I feel like utter shit tonight. I never watch the news these days, and so since Nathan's left to spend three months in London, I just can't. It's too depressing and during the war with Iraq that's what I was doing all the time. I am sort of back to my normal self, where I prefer to ignore what happens because it's always the same shit anyway. I've not even managed to read that Bush Dyslexicon and that Palestinian's diary that my colleague lent me, because I just am sick of all this. The war with Iraq gave me an overdose. I wish I was living in the Middle Ages and there was no way to know what happens in the world, when you just had to deal with life around you. It sounds so much more natural.
The thing is, there is not enough time everyday for that shit. Music is so much nicer, playing on the computer is so much nicer, remembering Wave Gotik Treffen is so much nicer, and there are these eight shit hours of wasting time at work doing hardly anything. And I should do some fucking linguistics, and some Swedish, and there is yoga, and I basically have a life. I'm not a journalist and I'm not passionate about news and shit. All I can do is carry on changing the world within my reach.
Still I feel like utter shit, because I feel I should do and care more (all I manage at the moment is listening to Radio 4 thirty minutes every morning). And my rubbish memory for facts (religion, history, politics) strikes again. I so hate it. I had a conversation with my colleague on the way back from work and I was telling her that when we met these Israeli goths at the youth hostel last week and that Nathan had a long chat with one of them about the Israel vs. Palestine conflict, all I could do was listen and shut up because they both knew so bloody much and I couldn't face it. And my colleague was telling me that I shouldn't be in the shadow of Nathan but express my own opinion and blablabla and you don't necessarily need to know e-ve-ry-thing to have an opinion. Yes. But I'm so shit that I forget all the facts and I can't make sense anymore. I can only read and understand and make my opinion and then... pffffttt... all the facts are gone and I can't express why I think what I think.
This is so frustrating! My memory is very contextual and I'm great when it comes to dealing with individuals, but I want a better memory for facts. And I want to come to terms and accept the fact that I'm crap at it and I can't do much -anything?- about it but I can't accept. Should I really make more effort or concentrate on what I'm good at??
A note on my three blogs
A note on my blogs
(1) vio; in love with india - this one is the main blog about my Indian adventures, which started in 2005. I don't write much on this blog these days because I prefer to write privately in the confidential blog. But check out the categories and the index to figure out your way. I have kept some older posts not about India but which I still find interesting or relevant in Old words. Also check out my new, fun category Only in India in which I post photos of funny, unique, Indian situations...
(2) vio; sounds of india - this is my blog of sounds, because India wouldn't be as incredible if it was not so vibrant and just so full of incredible sounds!
(3) vio; confidential - this an extension of my main blog in which I post entries I do not want to reveal to the entire webspace for privacy or sensitivity reasons. You must receive an invitation from me and then accept the invitation to be able to read it. You may email me if you are interested in receiving an invitation.