... In the meantime I was for twelve days at my twin sister's in Munich, spending a lot of time kissing and cuddling and playing with my nephew and nieces, getting better at handling babies, and at time frustrated by the fact that I could hardly practise Yoga or violin. But it's OK really, family time even when not always pleasing for my ego is always most beneficial for my heart. I know and I trust and I am softer and softer in my heart, everyday. Twelve days and no single arguing with my sister, and always happy to help her with kitchen work. And the situations that I used to bitterly judge, a year in India later I find them easier and easier to live.
Back at Daddy's, I have found a good Yoga centre here, and even with some Iyengar influences. I am here in France for about a month and so I really wanted to find a place - I had found that one before on the Internet, but they only accept students for a month at a time, not less, so I had never tried. I finally have now. And the Yoga teacher is Indian, from Delhi, and he has been doing Yoga all his life and been studying with BKS Iyengar in Pune! I have been to his class twice already and it is a very good class indeed. A tad bit expensive, but for what feels like a miracle it doesn't matter; and priority wants that I take it, since I need it. After all I have not been to a Yoga class since Rishikesh, back in May, and it is a great practice refresher and booster. (And very soon, as I will go to Scotland mid-December, i will also be able to go back to my beloved Edinburgh Iyengar Yoga Centre, Haaaaaa, the joy!)
So, a good Yoga centre at my Daddy's place = real happiness. And yesterday when I came the teacher started to speak to me in English. With surprise I asked him why; he had thought from my registration form that I was English! After the class, the phone rang and he answered in Hindi. it was so nice for me that I could understand everything he was saying (and it felt weird, in France!) that, upon leaving, I told him 'I understood!' in Hindi. It took him three times to understand me because - I guess - he hadn't switched to Hindi mode but was trying to understand what I was saying in French or English mode. When he realised I was speaking Hindi he was so touched to heart - he said with a bright smile and light in his eyes - he carried on in Hindi and insisted that I sat down and waited to practise! I was slightly taken aback, not quite sure I was inspired for this; I was a little shy to speak, and the other students were leaving the centre looking at me funny on their way out. We started talking about what I had been doing in India. When I said I had been studying violin with a traditional teacher from Varanasi, he asked me who. I told him the name of my teacher; he asked me if he was the youngest the three brothers!! I was amazed! He had some family in Varanasi and knew about my teacher!!! Before I left, he told me I could come whenever I felt if I wanted to practise Hindi! I felt a bit silly that I hadn't been practising since I got back really, although my Hindi was not at all that rusty - it seems India regularly does come back to me and prevents me to forget Hindi. Still, when I got back home I took one of those Hindi children's book I got in Varanasi and started reading. And then analysing and finding the new words. And then practising writing copying the whole story. And then even looking for some bits and bobs in my grammar book. I ended studying about two hours in total. Man, how I do love this language and do want to become fluent in it... some day...
The day after tomorrow will be a long awaited highlight for me... I haven't been to a concert for over a year - well, apart from the few, cross-legged seated Indian classical concerts I went to in India - but I mean a loud concert with standing and dancing. So, on Saturday I will go and see joyful Wovenhand; I can hardly wait. It is a concert in Courtrai and I won't be able to come home after the gig as I don't drive, so I looked on Couchsurfing.com for a local host. I had thought only if this works out I will go, since I will also see Wovenhand on 4 December with my friend Niko (and with Birch Book!), but I will try anyway. The first guy I wrote to, I wrote to him because he had a 'good' face and from his profile he may have 'appropriate' musical tastes. Well, not only did he write back and could host me, and lives 100m away from the train station AND the gig venue, he is also a fan of DEE and so now is also coming with me to the gig!!! I couldn't believe it. Oh, and now, he even got me a ticket!!! Life never ceases to amaze me...
And did I say I am looking for a job? Well, kinda, or hm, vaguely, and certainly stress-free. After a 'serious' and lively chat with my dad, I was miraculously motivated to start looking into working for an NGO, even have updated my CV. Working in a NGO is something I have been thinking about for years... With relation to India now obviously... I don't yet quite know how to start but I have made a slim start... Will try to do a little thing everyday. Contact one place or get info on the net or something. Surething that makes my father happy, and at the annual family dinner last week, the fact that I could say to the numerous members of my family who asked me the eternal "so what are you going to do now??", without lying, that I had started looking into working for an NGO was a more relieving answer than "I don't know where I'm going but I'm going", or "I no longer plan preferring to focus on the present moment and seeing where that leads me."
And as always there is the violin. And the playing with the little sister. And the daily morning meditation, which these days lasts for a miraculously spontaneous hour. But also, here and there, in between feelings of 'all is well' and confidence in my non-lucrative, 'parasitic' (as my father sometimes says to tease me) life, there are moments of total demotivation for everything, Or of 'what the fuck am I doing?' Or of utter loss. Two days ago I was on the verge of emptying myself onto this journal, but it has now become a conscious regularity (not to say a [blind] habit) that I do not write on here when I feel down. When I feel like shit I do still know that if I was to write it down it would just make it worse, because it would turn a latent, yet unmanifest, thought pattern or feeling into something concrete, manifested. So I prefer to watch the bombardment of judgemental thoughts and negative feelings, and even the urge to write, without giving in, until they go - reminding myself that, however real they feel, no, they are not real, and they will not last forever. I am beyond them, and I am ok. Just feelings like that day when I went to town and hated passionately every fucking shop I passed by. And every fashion victim with it. And I even started to talk to a fundraiser for Medecin du Monde, who agreed with me that I was useless right now for the cause given my present 'parasitic' situation. Still he gave me a joke to make me smile, and for a minute or two the feelings of utter 'blaséeness' left me. Sometimes I do have to force myself to go out for some fresh air, most often with nowhere to go because I so dislike going 'downtown' and there is hardly any greenness around near my father's house. Not even one film in all three cinemas were appealing and I was out at an in-between time anyway. And I didn't even find a bloody postcard for my dear Alan with Down's syndrome. Thank God I was going to choir with the family that evening; the day was not completely wasted. I don't know by what miracle the bitter and dull mood eventually lifted; I was back to bubbliness and happiness and silliness before the choir! I don't know by what miracle, Oh wait, but Life is a miracle so I do know! :D
I have been fine ever since. not even thought I had a fat arse. Well, of course, I know, the real I am always fine. Beyond silliness and beyond dullness or fatness... And I feel so fucking blessed to understand Advaita...
A note on my three blogs
A note on my blogs
(1) vio; in love with india - this one is the main blog about my Indian adventures, which started in 2005. I don't write much on this blog these days because I prefer to write privately in the confidential blog. But check out the categories and the index to figure out your way. I have kept some older posts not about India but which I still find interesting or relevant in Old words. Also check out my new, fun category Only in India in which I post photos of funny, unique, Indian situations...
(2) vio; sounds of india - this is my blog of sounds, because India wouldn't be as incredible if it was not so vibrant and just so full of incredible sounds!
(3) vio; confidential - this an extension of my main blog in which I post entries I do not want to reveal to the entire webspace for privacy or sensitivity reasons. You must receive an invitation from me and then accept the invitation to be able to read it. You may email me if you are interested in receiving an invitation.